Its been a rough few days for the golden boy from South Bend. I was checking my fantasy football ranking this morning and found out that I was #34 on the quarterbacks list. That's bullshit, Yahoo!. Ranked under JaMarcus Russell? That tool hasn't even inked an NFL contract, and you're putting me, Brady "John Elway: Part Deux" Quinn, below him, unbelievable. I think Michael and Marcus Vick are ranked higher than me. I think Marcus might already be in jail, and I still get no love. Sure, I've got the women's 18-35 demographic wrapped up, but I want Berman eating out of my hand the way Corso did.
Where did I put my Ab-Booster?
I was late for the team meeting this morning. Coach yelled at me when I tried to explain somebody had cut all the nipples out of my shirts, and I had a hard time finding one that didn't. He also yelled at me for having a giant penis sharpied on my face. I suspect Joe Thomas on both counts.
I got to practice with the second team today! I was super-psyched , but when I got under center for the first time, Lennie Friedmen farted on my hands. I'm still having a hard time getting the stink off them, I think he shit his pants a little when he did it. Later, when I was calling an audible, D'Qwell Jackson called me a cracker. I don't really know what that means, but it messed up the audible and I handed the ball off to a defensive end who gave me a nutshot as he passed by, which sucked.
I called Mom today. She assured me everything would be fine and that I am the most handsome boy on the Browns. I love her. I told her about how Joe Thomas is being a total dickface to me, but all she said was, "now hun, if he's being mean to you just turn the other cheek, he'll get tired of it eventually." Good advice Mom. I was showering after practice, and Joe popped me with a towel. I turned the other cheek and he called me a fag, then Phil Dawson kicked me real hard in my exposed cheek. I think he broke the skin with that log-ass toenail of his. This camp sucks.
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