Apologies

Sorry for no updates in a while, we here at SOTJWS all have busy late-August schedules. I'm sitting in a parking lot in Alpine, TX. at this very moment making this post, bumming a signal off a coffee shop. I don't want to be one of those queerbaits who bring their computer into a coffee shop, orders a latte, plops down, and starts vigorously typing on their Mac. So I sit here in the pickup eating a breakfast bar, laughing at the nerds sitting at the tables outside doing Monty Python shtick.

Check back soon,

SOTJWS staff

Who's Now...who cares

The lack of quality programming on ESPN has forced them to come up with a list of personalities in the sports world who they and the viewers consider to be "Who's Now."

What does this even mean?

ESPN says:

" [Who's Now] is a daily series in which fans and ESPN.com users will help "SportsCenter" determine the ultimate sports star by considering both on-field success and off-field buzz. Based on fan nominations, ESPN Research will select the 32 finalists, who will then square off in a single-elimination bracket. Before then, however, we need to hear who you think should be in the bracket. Check out the Page 2 list and then discuss in the ESPN Conversation pages."

Who gives a shit who "ultimate sports star" is? What does that accomplish? Does it let kids know who's jersey to buy? "Ohhhhh mom, can I get a Kobe Bryant jersey? He's the most 'Now' player!" Yikes.

Here is a list of players ESPN has dubbed worthy enough to put on the top tier list.

1. Tiger Woods- Blah

2. Peyton Manning- Looks good in moustache

3. Tom Brady- Fathered a bastard child

4. LaDainian Tomlinson- Waco?

5. LeBron James- Choke artist

6. Roger Federer- Tennis, nobody cares

7. Kobe Bryant- Rapist

8. Sidney Crosby- Who?

9. Steve Nash- Badass Cracker

10. Maria Sharapova- Tennis, nobody cares

So, more than likely, one of these ten will be crowned the "Most Now" player, unless the voting populous sneaks a darkhorse candidate like Tim Tebow. He's my vote.

John Daly: Well-rounded

Not only can Big John Daly go on casino binges and spend all day smoking, he can also sing.

Brady Quinn's Training Camp Diary: Day 3

Dear Diary,

Its been a rough few days for the golden boy from South Bend. I was checking my fantasy football ranking this morning and found out that I was #34 on the quarterbacks list. That's bullshit, Yahoo!. Ranked under JaMarcus Russell? That tool hasn't even inked an NFL contract, and you're putting me, Brady "John Elway: Part Deux" Quinn, below him, unbelievable. I think Michael and Marcus Vick are ranked higher than me. I think Marcus might already be in jail, and I still get no love. Sure, I've got the women's 18-35 demographic wrapped up, but I want Berman eating out of my hand the way Corso did.

Where did I put my Ab-Booster?

I was late for the team meeting this morning. Coach yelled at me when I tried to explain somebody had cut all the nipples out of my shirts, and I had a hard time finding one that didn't. He also yelled at me for having a giant penis sharpied on my face. I suspect Joe Thomas on both counts.

I got to practice with the second team today! I was super-psyched , but when I got under center for the first time, Lennie Friedmen farted on my hands. I'm still having a hard time getting the stink off them, I think he shit his pants a little when he did it. Later, when I was calling an audible, D'Qwell Jackson called me a cracker. I don't really know what that means, but it messed up the audible and I handed the ball off to a defensive end who gave me a nutshot as he passed by, which sucked.

I called Mom today. She assured me everything would be fine and that I am the most handsome boy on the Browns. I love her. I told her about how Joe Thomas is being a total dickface to me, but all she said was, "now hun, if he's being mean to you just turn the other cheek, he'll get tired of it eventually." Good advice Mom. I was showering after practice, and Joe popped me with a towel. I turned the other cheek and he called me a fag, then Phil Dawson kicked me real hard in my exposed cheek. I think he broke the skin with that log-ass toenail of his. This camp sucks.

John Daly: Just Like You And Me

So as it turns out, John Daly is my new favorite golfer. I haven't had very many "favorite" golfers over the years, I liked Fuzzy Zoeller back in the 90's because he had an aggressive moustasche I was fond of. I also, like the rest of the world, carried a flag for Tiger Woods for a while, not because he is/was the best in the world, but his videogame kept me entertained throughout the summer of '04. I would sit for hours while Capt. ASS, the golfer I created, racked up more PGA tour wins than Nick Nolte has DUIs.


But with the recent news of Daly's preparation for the recent PGA tournament, he has taken over sole position as my favorite golfer.


According to the NY Times:


"He prepared for the 89th P.G.A. Championship at Southern Hills by skipping the practice rounds in favor of casino binges. While others hydrated with cold water and colorful sports drinks during Thursday’s steamy first round, Daly downed diet soda and took pulls from a cigarette."



http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/10/sports/golf/10golf.html?em&ex=1186891200&en=33d309b28a480148&ei=5087%0A

Awesome.



I knew Daly was special when I saw him try to drive a golfball over Niagara Falls a few years back. I can see how that was set up now. A drunk Daly tells his buddies he can drive a ball over Niagara Falls....


Daly: Man, jew check em tits out on our waitress? hoooo-dooog!
(oh yeah. by the way, they're at Hooters)
JD cronie1: John, you could hit that shit. No doubt in my mind! HHOOOWWWLLL!
JD cronie2: JD you got anymore smokes?
Daly: Yeah, but only like 6, and I need em fer later.
JD cronie1: Holy Shit! Did you just see that?
Daly: What? Did some chick's tit pop out? Dammit, I always miss it!
JD cronie1: No John, I just saw Michael Vick on tv throw a football out of the stadium!
JD cronie2: Yeah I saw it on this tv, that was fuckin nuts!
Daly: Oh yeah? Well... I could hit a golfball over Niagara Falls.
Shadowy Figure: Care to put your money where your mouth is?
Daly: Go away, Berman. We're just talking.
Shadowy Figure: Fine, but ESPN will give you $50,000 just to attempt, and a job as a golf analyst if you can do it.
Daly: Careful Berman, I might miss on purpose.
Both: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Daly: Yeah, we should head for the strip-club, it's 9:00, they're going to start worrying about me.

Jim Rome is Struggling

What the hell is Roger Lodge doing on "Jim Rome Is Burning"? I don't take anything this asshole says seriously. This is the reason why sportscasters are beginning to lose accountability. If Steven A. Smith has his own show, I should be president by the same logic. I am aware that there are still good sportscasters, but most of them these days are too consumed with trademarking a shitbrick catch-phrase or trying to portray an image rather than reporting.

The last time I saw Roger Lodge was on "Talk Soup" hosting the Rodge Lodge Production Dodge. I have no idea what the hell that was, but it is awful rhymy.

The Baconator is on T.V., I'll probably go get one. I had one the other night after a drunk karaoke night in Dallas, but ate it so fast I don't remember if it was good or not...I imagine it was.

C.C. Sabathia says he's 27 one of his teammates says he's 35. Sabathia replies that 35 is 27 in Dominican... My goatee is much more kickass than Rome's

Well, I'm headed down to College Station this weekend. Hopefully, I'll run into Steven McGee and challenge him in a beer drinking contest.

oh wait I FUCKIN HATE DAVID BECKHAM! scram you!

The Acquisition Of Kige Ramsey

In an attempt to make this one of the premeire sports blogs on the web, I have contacted Kige Ramsey of YouTube fame and asked him to become a contributor on this site. If he agrees to join our SOTJWS team, be on the lookout come Webby awards season, because we will sweep that shit like "Lord of the Rings," Peter Jackson style.

Visor Vs. Baby Duck Hat

When I think of alternative headgear Payton could wear, the words of famous poet Jack Handy come to mind.

"I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties."

Pac 10 Preview

I hate the Pac 10 in all sports, and wouldn't ever think about doing a preview of the conference. So I will let this guy do it.

Brady Quinn's Training Camp Diary: Day 2

Heeey, Diary!

Well listen to this. I was out stretching and looking soooo hot before practice, and all these reporters were all like gathering around me, scoping out my bod, when one of them asked me if I, Brady Quinn, the Adonis, was gay. Can you believe that skank would ask me such a thing. I think she was from the local paper or some shit, not even regional, pffffft! I wonder what Jeff Samardja is doing right now. I bet he looks so F'n cute in his baseball pants. I wish he would come play football here in Cleveland we'd be soooo awesome in the NFL, just like at Dame.

My girlfriend called yesterday, I didn't answer, because last time she called she claimed I had stole a bunch of her panties. hehehehehe. She is such a dike, sometimes I just want to move on. On our last date she wore jean shorts. Can you believe that? GD jean shorts. Those haven't been popular since we were 7. OHHHH! I almost forgot, she is starting to get a muffin-top. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muffin_top) I saw it when she leaned over to straighten her Ugg boots. I can't be seen with some Britney Spears look-alike, I'm BRADY QUINN! Jeff always had great abs. We would come in on Sunday after a game and spot each other in the weight room. It was magic. Coach Weiss always seemed to walk in when I was spotting him at Squat-press. I don't know why he would always sneer at the two of us. I guess he was just tired from the game.

Somebody on this team is a freakin' thief! In the team meeting this morning, I made an announcement that I always have Perrier water so no one would mistake it for theirs. But after I got finished talking with the media, I saw that somebody had stole my F'n Perrier! I think it was that fat fuck Aggie Seth McKinney. Him and Joe Thomas have been getting awful chummy lately, and they are always messing with me. If Jeff were here, we'd show 'em what for.

"Ok guys, who stole my F'n Perrier!"

I think I'll call him.

TTYL! Diary!

heart,

Brady

Pacman Jones Makes Wrestling Debut

Pacman Jones made his TNA wrestling debut last night in several recorded segments. I really hope this thing goes over for him, because there is no way it is going to end well.

As music played, Jones said the words "misunderstood, player, team player, game breaker, risk taker, a man, and team player," and those words appeared on the bottom of the screen. At one point, a black man with shorts that had "Pac" stitched on the bottom hurdled another wrestler in the ring, but the athlete's face wasn't shown.

"Pacman is coming to Hard Justice,'' Jones said. "Pacman is coming to TNA''

With dialogue like that, Pac Man is easy the next Rock.

I assume his finishing move will be called the Rain Maker, and he will be escorted to the ring by strippers as he showers them with hundred dollar bills. He'll then yell at them and spit in their face as he gets in the ring. Kind of like me at bars in Kansas City.

http://www.tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070810/SPORTS01/708100435/1328/SPORTS

Visor Vs. Foam Dome

Nothing says "Party Time" like putting up 48 points on the Cardinals.

"Let Sorgi wrap this bitch up I'm going to get shithoused! Does anybody have a lighter?"

Hammerin' Hank Not Impressed, Sleepy

As the eyes of America were fixed intently on the man who was to break the most fabled record in all of baseball and possibly sports altogether, his predecessor to the title was having a glass of warm milk and hitting the hay. Hank Aaron was not in attendance when his record was surpassed, hell he wasn't even awake.

"It was 1 o'clock in the morning....Heck, I'm not going to sit up and watch a baseball game"

After that comment he told some kids to "Git them damn roller scooters off my lawn! You little sumbitches!" while wildly waving a rolled up newspaper.

I like the way Hank had dealt with the Bonds situation. He's been treating it like it's not really happening, which it isn't. Of course, he might just be senile as shit and nobody has noticed yet. No one knew Broadway Joe way a skeezy perv until he asked Suzy Colber to kiss him on a Monday night game. Bonds will hit a few more home runs this season, a few next season, and then be indicted for juicing like female Russian at the Olympics. His record will be wiped away and he'll slip into a big depression. He'll start hanging around Pete Rose and probably start smoking a bunch of weed. 10 years down the road he'll be offering baseball lessons at 30 bucks an hour, competitive to Gheorghe Muresan's private sessions for "wannabe ballers" ( https://secure.washingtoncitypaper.com/cgi-bin/Archive/docDisplay.bat?path=q:%5CDocRoot/2005/050506/B)

Hell, I'd spent 80 bucks to hang with Muresan for two hours. We'd go get shitfaced and play Frisbee at my house. I would intentionally throw it in the gutter and say, "oh no! the Frisbee is in the gutter, now we can't play anymore" Gheorghe would get real happy and exclaim "Don't worry, I can get it!" Then he would reach up and grab it and we would high five. Afterwards, I'd crawl in the papoose I made and we would hit the town.

Back to Bonds. You can see the resentment the nation has for him in everything he does. When he broke the single season home run record, nobody even took their hand out of their pants to applaud. They just kind of collectively leaned over, farted, and mumbled "good for him." I believe that general feeling is still haunting Bonds. If he wasn't such a fucking jerkass to everyone he met, he might find some substantial fan support in his hitting endeavors. Everyone loved it when McGuire and Sosa were blasting dingers a few years back. Those guys have likable personalities. McGuire is a big Irish guy who destroys fastballs, and Sosa is a guy who was just glad to be an American playing baseball.

So I suggest a media fanblitz to improve Bond's image, and dressing up like Paula Abdul is not one of them, that shit was just creepy. He needs to be cartoonized and featured in a popular kids show helping everybody out. Much like Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, and Bo Jackson did in their series "Pro-Stars."

They kicked an immense amount of ass on that T.V. show.

nice.

Visor Vs. Sombrero

So much better than a limp-dick visor...that's the look of a winner.

Jason Garrett Will Beat An Ass

For those of you who watched the Cowboy game tonight, you might have caught a clip of Offensive Coordinator and perennial Troy Aikman backup, Jason Garrett playfully smacking around Pro-Bowl extra point holder Tony Romo and possible third-stringer Matt Moore. I was actually impressed with Moore's composure in the pocket and his checkdowns. He looks to be a solid backup if Jason Garrett doesn't put him on IR first. Wade Phillips needs to let Garrett know that if he's going to dish it out, he'd better be ready when Romo gets sick of him blowing sunshine up his ass and decides to unleash his ex-fling Jessica Simpson's grotesque sister Ashlee upon him.

Everybody's thinking it and I'm saying it. The Cowboy's will win the Super Bowl this year based on the fact that they whipped the shit out of he defending champs. Preseason be damned. A win is a win. No matter the Colts have gone 1 and 10 in previous preseason games, these games are a clear cut indication of how they will fare come Sunday.

The Jets and Falcons are playing tomorrow. If you expect coverage from this outlet, you might as well look in Rosie O'Donnell's fat ass, you'd have better luck finding it there.

Monster Trucks!

A monster truck ran off road in Indianapolis injuring nine people. The identity of the driver has not been released, but several names are under suspicion. A drunk Chris Henry anyone?

Jamaica Rector! Tony Ugoh! It's Cowboys-Colts Preseason Football!

This is my first post. I used to think I was creative, apparently that is not true. Which is why I decided to post my thoughts on some of the Dallas - Indy game. I love football, and I like to think I know something about it. Most of this knowledge comes from my stellar career as an undersized tight end at Pine Tree Middle School's 7th grade football team, where my "helmet would break" so many times I missed a lot of plays. Anyway, here goes.

Cowboys Preseason Game 1 – Dallas v. Indianapolis

Yes, preseason games are terrible, but I’ve been waiting for some actual football for months now, and I can’t help but get excited about it. The only thing I really want to see is how the 1^st team looks against a bunch of scrub Colt rookies, and how former Baylor Bears great Trent Shelton, looks, and if he will make the team. However, I may not make it long enough to see him play before I start playing FIFA and/or Guitar Hero.

Man I hate Everybody Loves Raymond.

Listening to the Cowboys radio pre game show, I’ve always thought Larry Brown was overrated as a Cowboy. He had two passes thrown right to him for picks in a Super Bowl, which he parlayed into a big contract with the Raiders where he absolutely blew. However, he is a pretty good radio host.

Over/Under on time FOX spent on the opening montage is at 15 minutes, all of which was dubbing in those scary looking black question marks.

Damn, I thought this was going to be a local broadcast. Nope, Joe Buck.

This joke is played out, but Wade Phillips may or may not have bigger boobs than Bill Parcells.

The big question that the sports analyst like to talk about this year is how you keep all the offensive weapons on the Cowboys happen. Did they even watch last season? It’s the same freaking team. They’ll probably have 2 1000 yard receivers and a running back by committee again this year, and its not like Whitten didn’t have 75 catches last year either.

Is there a less successful play in the NFL than the half back toss? In 7^th grade, its usually safe to toss it to your 6’2” black dude and let him run people like me over (as we turn and run away of course), but when everyone is the same size its different. Yet teams always do it.

Romo completely misses a wide open Jason Whitten, instead overthrowing Terrell Owens. I imagine it’s a race thing, being that Romo’s great-great uncle was black.

I think a cool first name would be Shark. I don’t know why, but with the names these days, I think it could work.

Cowboys settling for a field goal. I imagine that is it for the first team. Not a bad drive, but the fake reverse/hand off to Barber loss for 5 yards really killed the drive. Not sure why would you run a trick-ish play when the yards were coming so easy. Oh well. 3-0 Dallas.

There’s your first shot of the Cowboys crazy ass Wade Phillips 3-4 blitzing defense. A wide open Marvin Harrison for a first down. Fuck you Parcells.

Roy Williams seemed to pick up right where he left off last year. Big play for Harrison. It wasn’t his responsibility though, so its cool. I blame Merton Hank’s neck. Aside – Am I making it up or did he one time pick a ball off with his neck?

Nice break up by Anthony Henry, who gets some shit but he had the most balls thrown to him of any cornerback in the league last year. (Or something like that)

Shawn Andrus hits the field goal, trying to earn a spot on the Indianapolis Arena League 2 team.

Peyton Manning looks like a tool wearing his visor, an ugly one at that. I am a Manning fan, but he would look cooler wearing a sombrero on the sidelines than that visor.

Second thought, Phillips boobs are smaller than Parcells.

Romo is back, make that the first of hundreds of errors on my part this season.

Personal foul on Jeff Charleston. Nothing says I am an intense guy looking to make the team than an unnecessary stupid hit on a QB already lying on the turf.

FYI – Leonard Davis has 21 brothers and sisters. Rumors that he may have eaten 2 or 3 of them at birth, alligator style, have not been confirmed.

Romo is 8-9 for 80 yards against a make shift Colts defense. I once scored 14 points as an 8^th grader against a private school varsity girls basketball team. If there’s a difference in the two performances, I don’t see it.

3^rd down in the red zone in the 2^nd quarter of the first preseason game. This play screams Fumblerooski.

Ok, I am tired of thinking of not funny things to say. I may have some more later when Trent Shelton gets in the game.

Brady Quinn's Training Camp Diary: Day 1

After spending a few weeks training with the likes of Larry Johnson, Brady Quinn finally signed a contract with the Cleveland Browns. His first few days of training camp were rough, and our correspondent in the field, TheSkank, was lucky enough to get a taste of what he's going through. She spent a few days following Brady around trying to entice him to perform carnal acts. Quinn eventually gave in and invited her back to his dorm. According to TheSkank:

"He was really sweet when we first got started, but then I noticed all the pictures on his wall were of himself. I asked him where he got his glamour shots taken, because I am in need of some recent photos showing off my new boob-job. Then he looked at me and asked if I would put my thumb in his ass...it was wierd."

The following morning, after Brady went to practice, TheSkank stole a bunch of his shit. One item of intrest was his diary which she says was wrapped in his Notre Dame letterman jacket, which she also stole. Thanks TheSkank.

Here is the First entry in Brady Quinn's Trainning Camp Diary...

Day 1:

WOOOO-HOOO!
Diary, I am sooooo F'n excited! The Browns finally signed me and I got to report to training camp today. All the guys here are being super-nice to little ol' me. Although they did bunk me up with that shit-lips Joe Thomas, he dresses like a lumberjack, I swear he has like a billion plaid shirts. I don't know why they picked his lard ass over my well trained physique. I guess they like guys who don't care what they're wearing in public. Ohhhhh! speaking of which, Tom Brady got "Best-Dressed Man." I'm looking forward to playing them this season. Maybe they'll let me play a little defense so I can get on the bottom of the pile and see what he's packing... you'll be the first to know Diary. Well I've got to go to a team meeting, catch up with you later!

heart,
Brady

Welcome

HEY HEY HEY!!

Welcome all to the newly chartered sport blog, Stop! Or Tank Johnson Will Shoot. The idea for this site was the brainchild of Shep (http://its-shep.blogspot.com), Ed ( http://peoplecallmeedgar.blogspot.com), and Fred. Three individuals who, if we had a choice, would spend most days drinking, playing yeah-boo, and systematically planning the demise of guys who use gel in their hair.

What to expect: This blog and its contributors are here for one reason and one reason only, to acquire press passes to the Super Bowl in Dallas. If I wanted to entertain people, I'd head to a Karaoke bar and drink 12 beers. The entertainment factor is what you, the reader, make of it. If you like when it when I call Pacman Jones a "Self-serving thug with dogshit for brains," then this blog might just be what you're looking for.

Who we are: These are the main contributors to this blog. They are not, by any means, writers, analysts, or any other form of respected media. A good term is vulture, these guys are vultures.

Ed: Author of "If You're Not Bored It's A Waste Of Time" Ed is known for his quirky articles on subjects including Fantasy Football, Hurricane Katrina, Drunken Insanity, and Shitty Action Movie Reviews.

Shep: Author of "The Shep Blog" and "Recipe for a Turkey Island Fantastico" he is also a self-serving thug with dogshit for brains.

Fred: Amateur movie critic and self-proclaimed observational psychologist, Fred's pessimistic view leaves you thinking no one is going to be good ever. The Dallas Cowboys will be lucky if they aren't murdered in the preseason by a disgruntled Drew Bledsoe, if they survive that, then they might make the playoffs.

There you have it, we are looking forward to the upcoming football season and the dumb shit Terrell Owens will undoubtedly say.

Cordially,

SOTJWS staff